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OTTAWA IS DANGEROUS

John of Vancouver

January Review 2001

Like every other good Canadian, election night last November found me hunched in front of the T.V. set watching the election results and polishing my mastadon club.

The CBC girl reading the news practically wet her knickers when she fawningly announced another Liberal majority. I nearly fell out of my chair. I can understand the CBC being all wet, after all, the Liberals give them six-hundred million of your dollars each year to produce those really good shows which none of you watch.

"Just what kind of liberal Cro-Magnon hell is Canada coming to?!" I yelled toward the kitchen where my wife was making me a meat platter.

Yes, the Canadian Alliance did sweep the west, but that doesn't make me feel any better after the backpedaling they did on the referendum issue. The votes in the rest of Canada are what concern me. How is it that the English speaking citizens of Ontario can be so dim as to elect such an odious band of in-bred French jack-asses is quite beyond me. That the Atlantic regions elected Liberals by the bushel shouldn't surprise anyone. Unemployment is an industry on the east coast and the Liberals just spilled six hundred million that way a few weeks before the election. No jiggery pokery there, obviously.

In Quebec they welcomed back the Liberals but that can be explained by the fact that the province is populated by Frenchmen. Who knows why the French do anything?

The last time the French had any real success in politics was when they imported a Corsican bandit to help them harry the rest of Europe, and that ended rather badly when the Brits came over and beat them like a batch of ill mannered circus monkeys. It's been thus ever since. If it were not for the English speaking countries of the world the French would right now be guzzling schnapps instead of sipping wine and their children would be goose-stepping their way to school, and now they vote Liberal those ungrateful cheese-sniffers. However, back to Ontario.

This province is inscrutable. 101 of its 103 seats went Liberal.

I suppose with this level of support we can safely assume that Ontarians believe they are not paying too much income tax and enjoy paying the GST. Ontarians, unlike the rest of Canada, also must think the health care delivery is just fine in their province. They must also enjoy the multitudes of smiling immigrants they receive, especially from Haiti, China and Jamaica who make up seventy percent of their over-all intake. In fact, according to Ontario's fantastic health-care system, Ontario is enjoying a renewed public awareness of tuberculoses, which only a few years ago had been nearly eradicated from Canada. Ottawa will begin mandatory TB screening in its daycares this September because there has been a recent outbreak in the number of cases of this disease. Not surprisingly 90% of TB cases come from refugees and new immigrants living in the Toronto area. Clearly multiculturalism is very good for Ontario.

Ontarians must also be enjoying the Liberal's criminal justice system. I know this because I saw pictures of one of their most famous daughters, Carla Homolka, wearing a stunning evening dress and attending an evening soiree, and all this whilst in Jail. Liberal mercy has no bounds.

I suppose they also agree that free trade has been good for them. Ontarians certainly do not believe that the Liberals are not out of touch with the average citizen, and don't spend your money like a drunken sailor. That must be why they re-elected Jane Stewart by a margin of two-to-one over her nearest rival. After all, misspending over a billion dollars in the Department of Human Resources and precipitating over 16 RCMP criminal investigations deserves re-election.

Ontario is the heartland of Canada and because of this they are, well, just that much more Canadian than the rest of us, which is precisely what a CBC host said on national radio just a week before the election. The rest of Canada will just have to contend with the fact that Ontario won't vote for any leader unless he is a lawyer from Quebec. God help us all.

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