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Doug Collins

March 17, 2001

 The news that our social engineers are allowing women to man our
submarines (sorry about that!) thrilled me to bits. Oh to be a bosun
looking after the bosoms and shouting ďShow a leg!Ē

We have to get rid of that old devil, discrimination, you see. But we
still have a lot of it. When, for example, will they stop discriminating
against seniors? If the homos, the lesbians, and the blooming minorities
can get into everything, so to speak, how come we seniors canít?

We are not the only fem-driven, progressive country, of course. Over in
the UK, under Bomber Blair, they are even more progressive than we are.

The latest thing is to admit women into the S.A.S. I just canít wait to
see the girls swinging from a rope and saying Hello! to a bunch of
Iranian terrorists in London, as the boys did a few years back.

They are also considering women for the paratroopers. Great! I hold my
breath while waiting for the ladies to descend on me. We seniors are not
all dead, you know, despite what John Fraser has been saying in the
National Post.

Pity we donít have any paratroopers in Canada right now. Didnít the
girls of both sexes in Ottawa disband them after that bit of trouble in
Somalia? Well, nowís our chance to send a nice polite all-fem para
battalion over there.

The great advantage with having the distaff side in the armed forces
is that it helps the world to go round, if you know what I mean.

Thereís the soldierette in the British infantry by the name of Heidi
Cochrane (sound a bit German to me!) who according to a friend of mine
sees herself as the adorable and positive role model for the empowerment
of women everywhere. She had been selected as the poster girl for the

Thatís the New Feminized Army.

Alas, Lance Bombardier Cochrane did a bunk (sorry about that, too!)
with Sgt. Jason Archer, and they were absent without leave for six
months before they both turned up in Holland. Mind you, unlike the
ancient Argonauts, Jason wasnít looking for Jasonís fleece. He just
wanted to fleece the army.

According to my friend, Heidi was probably stressed out from having all
those rude commands shouted at her by men. That, at any rate, was what
Rita Van Dyke said, she being the official spokesmouth for the L.U.P.
(Lesbians Under Pressure.)

A second big item from Bomber Blairís Britain is that another Lance
Corporal has appeared topless on The Sunís Page 3.

ďToday sexy Lance Corporal Roberta Winterton becomes the first serving
soldier to pose on Page 3,Ē declared the London newspaper in promoting
its Saucy Services Special. Discrimination again. Why didnít they get
some senior to appear topless?

Pity these gals werenít around on D-Day. Two battalions of the Saucy
Services charging up Juno beach would have brought the other SS to their
knees, if you ask me.

When last heard from, the passionate couple were asking the army brass
to show some passion. Which is to say compassion.They have my support,
seeing that my old regimentís marching song has been changed to ďAll
you need is love!Ē

Other big news from the UK is that S.A.S. and Royal Marine Commando
drill instructors have been instructed not to swear while handling (is
that the right word?) lady recruits. In future, itíll be, ďFall in, me

Meanwhile, in Ottawa, a girl has been leading the RCMPís Musical Ride.
We believe in staying in tune, if not tuned in.

But I was talking about how we seniors are being discriminated
against. Down at my local Legion branch there must be at least a
hundred toothless old geysers who would be willing to totter into the
submarines for a bit of warmth. Or join the R.C.A.F. (Whatís wrong with
having blind pilots?)

Lots of others are being discriminated against, of course. If youíre
sane, you canít be elected to parliament. But if youíre incurably insane
you get to be a cabinet minister. And if you are a black fem dwarf in
what we call our defence forces you are trebly privileged and in line to
become a general.

I think Iíll complain to the human rights mob on behalf of empowering
all seniors and then go down in a sub.

God bless the Queen.

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